February 2021 - Mrs Payan Reads

Slice of Life: Enough

There is something in my life that isn’t serving me anymore and I know logically that it is time to give it up, but I struggle. I am still clinging to the promise of what could be. Even after a few years of working on personal growth and knowing what needs to be done to be successful with this venture, I just haven’t succeeded and I am sick of feeling bad about that.

This particular venture calls for networking. I have social anxiety. This is not a good mix. It also means having deep belief in a line of products that I do love and think everyone should have, but I do think people can do without them too.

My husband has seen it for a while now. He gently nudged and told me that he didn’t see me having fun with it. In fact, he often sees me beating myself up about it.

Why is that?

I know I am not the only person in the world to be harder on herself than others would be. Why do I insist on continuing to do something that grates on my soul? It only gives me the “pleasure” of feeling bad for not accomplishing goals and guilty for not doing that which I know I SHOULD be doing, but don’t really want to do.

It also has to do with failure. I am thoroughly educated about growth mindset and I know that failure leads to learning, but I still wanted to be one of those success stories. I am not sure I ever wanted it enough. Or is that really it? I don’t know. Yet, I know it is time to stop beating myself up and investing money in something that I know just isn’t going anywhere because I just don’t really want to do the work.

It’s time to get real

I am declaring to myself right here and now that I am done with this. Time to join the ranks of many other people who have decided that this is just not the right thing for them. No guilt. No more beating myself up. I am saying yes to letting this go and giving myself more space for new adventures.

It’s Monday! What are you Reading? 2/22/2021

It’s Monday! What Are You Reading? is a weekly link up hosted by Kathryn at Book Date . Then, Jen at Teach Mentor Texts and Kellee at Unleashing Readers decided to give it a focus on kid’s literature. This is a chance for bloggers to recap their weeks of reading and share their plans for the next reading adventures they will take. Visit the host blogs for a list of great blogs participating and a whole bunch of titles to add to your to-read lists.

Books I Finished:

Efrén Divided by Ernesto Cisneros tells the story of Efrén and the disruption and heartache caused when his mother is deported. It is a serious reminder for those of us in education that sometimes we have very little idea of the amount of stress and worry that our students are dealing with.

Spanish was woven into the narration throughout the book and I really enjoyed that. The glossary at the end of the book will be very helpful for readers who do not know Spanish.

I loved this book. It is a great middle grade read. It dealt with some heavy subjects in just the right way for this age level. The reality is that many of our students live with the fear of being separated from their parents daily.

Also, I liked how the author was able to make the story hopeful without making it unrealistic. I highly recommend this book.

Books I’m Reading:

The Art of Coaching is a book that I am reading for professional growth.

I am still reading Personality isn’t Permanent. I have still not made any progress in this book yet. Putting together this blog post is reminding me that I should get back to this one.

I am 85% of the way through this novel. As with other William Kent Krueger novels, I am savoring the descriptions and so intrigued by the plot. This is most likely going to be highly recommended by me very soon. I just need to know how it ends first.

What’s Next:

As is almost always the case, almost all of my holds came in at once. I have a killer line up of books that I am looking forward to: Dear Martin by Nic Stone and Before the Ever After by Jacqueline Woodson are in the mix. I will probably start with one of these and see how far I can get in my ebook pile before they expire.

What are you reading this week? I would love to hear from you in the comments!

Slice of Life: Doubting the good work

I led a training this morning about Flipgrid. During the training I highlighted the work that one teacher had been doing on this website, because he had shared his groups with me. He wrote in the chat that it would be good to share the work from a certain student. So I did.

Later in the day, I received an email from this teacher thanking me for making him look good in our workshop. This stopped me in my tracks. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad he found some joy in being celebrated and used as a positive example. I also loved the thank you note. However, it struck me that this teacher would use this particular phrase, as if he doesn’t do well and my workshop somehow changed things and magically made his work look good.

You are the magic maker.

I quickly wrote back that there was no “making him look good.” I just shared the good work he had been doing. Maybe he didn’t mean it this way, but it really made me think about how often we do this kind of thing. Especially as teachers. Why can’t we stand up proudly and know that we should have bragging rights for the hard work that we do?

This teacher had just finished a poetry unit and these students wrote poems and shared them on Flipgrid. The student we highlighted wrote the most profound “Where I’m From” poem. It dazzled in its brightness and love of writing. That teacher absolutely deserved the celebration for an inspirational assignment that made a student know she is a writer. His use of the new technology tool was a new adventure for him, so perhaps that is why he was hesitant to take credit for a good idea. But I wish he would’ve thanked me for showcasing his hard work. Maybe I am being nit-picky, but words matter.

Teachers, take credit for your amazingly creative ideas. Know that you are doing amazing things. Even when you have less confidence, know that you don’t need anyone else to make you look good. You look good all on your own. You are doing amazing work. Stand up and own it and confidently proclaim it.

It’s Monday! What are you Reading? 2/15/2021

Books I Finished:

Refugee was hard to put down. I stayed up too late one night reading it because the chapters are so short that you just keep wanting to read one more chapter. I love how middle grade authors play with style like that to make the books more appealing to readers. The content of this book was heartbreaking but it was well written and I liked how the stories wove together. I definitely recommend this book.

Today Tonight Tomorrow was another book I had a hard time putting down. I read it very quickly. It is such a cute YA romance book. I loved the reference to a love of reading and writing, and the way the protagonist was adamantly defending the Romance genre. I haven’t visited Seattle, but I could see how the love of that city was woven through this book too. I highly recommend this one!

Books I’m Reading:

The Art of Coaching is a book that I am reading for professional growth.

I just started reading Personality isn’t Permanent. I have not made any progress in this book yet. Putting together this blog post is reminding me that I should get back to this one.

What’s Next:

I have the next Pendergast novel right now, but I am not sure I want to read that one. I am hoping that some more of the titles I put on hold will come in this week. I guess I will just have to see how I feel and what comes up for me this week.

What are you reading this week? I would love to hear from you in the comments!

Slice of Life: It Could’ve Been Much Worse

“The car in the garage next door is running, but the garage is closed. It was like that when I left and still running when I got back.” My husband said this in the two minutes I had before my class started at 5:30am.

I don’t exactly know why I hesitated to call the police. Was it hope that maybe the neighbor would come back and find the situation and fix it? I certainly hoped it was just a short time that the car had been running. And I definitely hoped that they would not come find a dead body in that garage.

“Well, I have classes to teach. I will see what happens and maybe call the police if it doesn’t get better,” I replied to my husband. VIPKid as a company is quite the stickler for promptness. So, I proceeded into the office and started my class. It was the typical class with Dorith. She was being super silly and trying her hardest not to follow the class content. No big deal on a normal morning, but this morning I was a little distracted and probably a lot less patient.

And then. I smelled it in my office. All of the sudden, the smell was all I could think about. I finished my class and immediately dialed the phone. It was now 6am.

The Response

I felt like such an idiot when the dispatcher asked if I had tried to contact the neighbor. No, I had not tried. But at least they took me seriously and got a squad car to respond immediately. The two cops that responded were very nice. I explained what we knew and they saw the situation and went to try to contact the neighbor.

I went back inside and left them to it. Then, we heard the garage door opening and watched as the smoke that had built up in that garage billowed into the sky. There were waves and waves of smoke and if I thought I smelled it before, that was nothing compared to now.

The cops knocked at my door and thanked me. They told me that the neighbor had some story about the car supposedly being an automatic car and how he put the car in park and thought the car was off when he went into his apartment at MIDNIGHT. That car was running in a closed garage for 6 hours!

The fire department responded immediately. My poor neighbors were mostly still sleeping and woke up to police and fire department members pounding on their doors to bring the carbon monoxide monitor around. When they came into our apartment, my office had read outs of 90ppm. We were told to get some warm clothes on and come outside. It was not safe for us to be in our apartment.

Safety Checks

Carbon monoxide levels were too high in almost every apartment in our building. Everyone went outside to wait as they aired out our apartments and the Fire department’s industrial strength fans ran. This is when I realized that it was good that I had not knocked on the neighbor’s door. I would not have thought of the carbon monoxide levels. I would have just been relieved that there wasn’t a dead body in that garage.

Although it was the beginning of February, the temperature was a balmy 30 degrees, so we could stay relatively comfortable in our winter gear. I was thankful for that as well. (Had it been a mere 3 days later, it would have been in the middle of a wind chill advisory)

It was 7:45am before we could enter the building again. Two people were checked out in an ambulance but no one needed to be transported to the hospital. We were all okay. The idiot who left his car running in the garage was okay. The babies and pets were okay.

I think we saved some lives. And it certainly could have been so much worse. I will not hesitate if I am ever in this situation again.

It’s Monday! What are you Reading? 2/8/2021

Books I Finished:

Crimson Shore is the 15th book in the Pendergast series. This book brought in an element of fantasy again. I am determined to finish this series, because I am fascinated by the characters, but it is hard to suspend my disbelief at this point.

Luster: a novel was a book I read for a book club. I would not have picked this book on my own. I did not like this book. It is very hard for me to like a book when I don’t like the characters. The plot of this book was weird and the characters reacted in very surprising and many times unbelievable ways.

Books I’m Reading:

The Art of Coaching is a book that I am reading for professional growth. I have another book study meeting this Friday and have another chapter to finish before then. This book is really helping me frame my job and the work I should be doing.

I just started reading Personality isn’t Permanent. It came highly recommended to me, and I am excited to dig in.

What’s Next:

Last Spring, I started to read this book with one of my students, who was from a refugee family. Then, covid happened and she returned the book to the library right before the building closed and I left my copy at school and didn’t get back to the classroom for three months. I really liked the beginning and I am sure I will love this book, although I don’t expect it to be easy on the emotions.

I also have the next Pendergast novel on my ebook library shelf as well as a bunch of middle grade titles on hold that I hope will come in soon. To get started with examining my biases, I will pick up one of the books on my must read list, probably starting with White Fragility.

What are you reading this week? I would love to hear from you in the comments!

It’s Monday! What are you Reading? 2/1/2021

Books I Finished:

Space Case by Stuart Gibbs was a quick and fun read. I enjoyed the science fiction and the murder mystery. This is a book that older middle grade students would enjoy. I will most likely be looking for the second and third books in this trilogy very soon.

Books I’m Reading:

Crimson Shore is the 15th installment in the Pendergast series. The murder mystery has just begun at this point. It is always interesting to see how Pendergast works and to see what methods he will use this time to solve the crime.

I just started reading Personality isn’t Permanent. It came highly recommended to me, and I am excited to dig in.

What’s Next:

I have the next Pendergast book ready to go. I also will be getting Luster from the library soon and want to read that for my book club.

What are you reading this week? I would love to hear from you in the comments!